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Nov. 1st, 2011

going back to ny

Even though I only lived in North Carolina for only a month, I feel that I outstayed my welcome. On Monday I started to pack my bags and head back to New York City. I though living here was something I wanted, but its not. I think the main reason why I left so early was because the way I was treated by my family.

See, I have the type of family that would love you to your face, and talk badly about you behind your back. No, I am not saying I don't talk about some of my family members. But I know who to tell certain information to. I know no family is perfect, and I don't strive for perfection. But when something is said from one person to the next, wouldn't it be wise to ask the person rather than assuming things. I am not saying everyone should think the way I do, but come on.

I know you can't live anywhere in this world for free. I knew I was going to have to get a job when I came down here. But it's not that easy when you don't have much skills, it limits you. Well, of course I had some money saved from working a couple years back, I also got stocks back. I even got money back from going to school, when I was going to school in New York. I know I was going to have to give gas money to people to take me places. But I was okay with that... I told everyone who was going to take me to job interviews, that I would pay them money.But the thing I didn't like was my mother's sister had to make it a point to everyone that I HAD to give her gas money. I mean, it's not like I didn't say I wouldn't. But come on... the very same day I told you I was going to give you money for gas you had to let my mother, sister, aunts, and grandmother too? Which is funny because my agreement wasn't with them, it was with her.

But that still wasn't the reason why I decided to leave. The reason why i decided to leave was the phoniness of family members. You never know what people think of you. Well, my mother's sister... well oldest sister decides to call me and curse me out. Really? Talk about a good christian. I haven't said anything to her prior to her calling. I haven't even responded to any of her texts she sent me. I ignored her. But this morning I answered the phone to get a call from her screaming at me about something she heard that I have never said. Of course, in my family cases... they never confirm information. They just believe it to be true. So as she yelled, I hung up. I decided not to listen to it. Nothing was going to get in the way of my happiness of going home to New York today. She decided to text me. Someone of her age texting me non-sense as if she was in middle school. But the funny thing was, she never asked me if I said it. She assumed it was true because that's what she heard.

Anyway to make a long story short. I am an over emotional girl and it made me cry that a person who is supposed to be family would treat you that way. I decided not to associate myself with her from this day forward, because if I did, I know it wouldn't be beneficial to my growth as a woman.

Oct. 28th, 2011

I just feel really bad for myself

really, really bad. I am starting to hate myself a little more each day. gosh i miss new york.

Oct. 14th, 2011

He Loves Me!

So, yesterday Jeffrey told me that he loved me. I am really shocked. At first, I was only joking about him being in love with me but he actually admit it to me. I don't know if it is real love, or if it is an infatuation or if it is love... He told me in person, I didn't know what to say . I am just a little shocked. He is the first nice guy I have met. I mean, yeah he needs a little help... with a little bit f guidance from me, I can whip him into shape, he can look more like the guy of my dreams because his personality is amazing and he massages my feet on our first date. No hanky-panky, not even a kiss. I decided to play hard to get this time and it paid off. He totally chasing me and it feels good to finally being the prey. He is seriously a nice guy, but could use some of my help. I hope he will let me mold him into my perfect man without compromising who he is. Anyway, I guess I will see what happens with him. I hope something better than Mike.

Oct. 8th, 2011


So, I finally made it to North Carolina, where I wanted to be since I left in August. Now that I am here, I just want to be back in New York City. I honestly don't feel welcomed. I thought moving down here would be a different experience for me, but it is just making me miss the people I love most. Today, I recently got mad at my father, because the money he said he was going to send me for my new phone he decided that I should get my cell phone myself. On top of that, Jeffrey couldn't come today because his sister got into a car accident with the car. But what made me feel worst in wanting to back to NY so bad was hearing that 2 of my cousins didn't like me staying here with my aunt. I know, it probably was a joke, but it hurt my feelings so much. They literally told my aunt, that she "shouldn't let Camille stay there." Does she really think I am going to steal her mother away? Really? She is actually doing me a favor, helping me get situated in life... I will only be with her 6 months until I get enough money to get a place of my own. Today, I actually considered going back to New York, instead of fulfill my dream as to being a homeowner at the age of 23. At least, I am getting good grades. I have a paper I still need to finish and get over to my Professor by Thursday. I needed the rough draft to her, but I hope she wont take off points if it is late. Another thing that kinda made me mad was an email my ex-boyfriend sent me. Saying that he wanted to be with me and wanted to join the coast guard and be stationed closer to me because he is hoping that we get back together. I mean, i told Mike "if we were meant to be together, we wouldn't be talking about it,we would have been together." We'll see if shit actually happens with him. But as for me, I know I have to be a lot stronger. I know I am a complete cry-baby, but I can't help it. I have been though a lot of shit in my lifetime. But I guess as the quote says, "what hurts you, but doesn't kill you... only makes you stronger."

Sep. 12th, 2011

life goes on...

So, just recently my ex boyfriend sent me an email saying that he "made a huge mistake" and that he wanted be back. My whole weekend was chaotic over this email. I can't believe I acted in the most pathetic way over an email. I know I had a lot of thinking to do... It was a huge decision I had to make on my part. Was I either to be with the guy I loved or continue talking to someone I enjoyed. My mind grew blank I was getting ready to risk everything for him until he offered me friendship. After all that we been through, you are actually going to offer me something less than I was to you before? Seriously? I knew things would never been the same with us and our relationship would have many challenges to it, but I didn't think he would actually offer me less than what I deserve. I know there are plenty of guys who would love to meet and enjoy my company. But for him to offer me what he did is a slap in the face to me. Luckily I didn't get all crushed after no response to my last email stating that if he can't "provide me with what I want, than there ain't no chance in HELL we would ever be friends." It has only been a couple of hours and yes I feel like crying, but I decided not to because he already had too much of my tears before. I am not going to waste anymore time, tears or even my love on him anymore. There are a lot of single guys out here that would be delighted to be loved by me and love me in return. Hopefully there is someone out there for me because it's getting really lonely by it just being me. I hope a nice guy comes around soon and prove that he is different from the rest. And I know it sounds a bit cliche, but I think I deserve a genuine nice guy. I have been through so many things in the past, at least if not a boyfriend than hopefully a really great friend. Hopefully, someone comes along really soon...

Sep. 1st, 2011

I'm so happy, baby!

So, today was my first day studying at Post University and I couldn't be any happier for myself. I finally left my comfort zone and I am finally going to a different school. On top of that meditating everyday has been helping me take back my life. Oh my goodness, I feel so amazing! On top of everything else, I am actually moving... I am leaving my hometown city to start off fresh. I am actually leaving sooner than I thought. I will be leaving New York City in October. On the brighter side, I passed my first quiz today. I got an 80%. First day and a quiz, tell me how could it get better than this... I will tell you how it can.

Okay, so I know I just recently set Mike free from my heart but I met someone new. No, he isn't my boyfriend. But we talk every night since we met. Isn't that amazing? I mean, we don't just talk about non-sense. We have in-depth conversations that lasts for hours until my phone dies. I don't yet, but I am liking this arrangement. I was at first resistant to call, but I got over it and called anyway and ever since than we talk everyday. He is the one I impervious spoke of in earlier posts. The one who is studying to become a Neurologist. He is so sweet and such a gentlemen. Just talking and getting to know a guy is really nice. I never actually got to know a guy like this... I never spent much time getting to know them before we actually meet. He seems so genuine.

On top of that, my skin looks so fantastical. I am super happy I went to the dermatologist and got the prescriptions because I wouldn't be able to live another week with bad skin. Anyway, two weeks ago I kinda bought a sex toy. Okay, so I bought a vibrator and I don't know exactly how to use it, but I tried a couple of times. I think one time I actually got the hang of it. But I tried it 2 more times and I got nothing. All in all 1 out or 4 times isn't that bad... I think. I just have to be in it a little more. Anyway, Until next time...

Aug. 29th, 2011

I know... Randomly

    I know that there are still something I have to get over, but I have to applaud myself of doing a fantasic job so far. I stopped obsessing over things and just let them be. Sometimes, my mind does wonder what life would be like if certain people would have stayed in my life. But  I guess that's something I can only dream of because I know the chances of certain people ever being in my life are slim to none. I decided to take the time out and write a few things down so I can finally get the out of my head so that I can officially move on with my life.     I am going to a new college, where i am studying to get my MBA. I am trying online dating thing which is really working out for me. My biggest news is that I am moving by the end of this year to North Carolina. Speaking of online dating there are a lot of nice southern men trying to sweep your girl off her feet. One in particular I am enjoying getting to know. Since I called him Saturday, we spoke everyday since. And today is Monday. Well, Monday night actually. I enjoy our conversations. I can tell he is really smart. We have lengthy conversations about lots of interesting topics. He is studying to be a doctor (a neurologist.) He is actually from NC born and raised and doesn't mind getting to know me while I still live in New York. I think it's better for me to get to know people this way. Therefore, when I move we already have an established friendship. And he isn't that bad looking either. One the plus, My skin got a hell of a lot better. Okay, I cheated. I went to see a dermatologist. But it was necessary. I never been in so much pain due to skin issues in my life. I went to the ER last tuesday and saw the dermatologist Last friday and my skin looks 110% better and it's only monday.     Oh... did I meantion I was scouted by a modeling agent? I know, my fat ass was asked if I ever modeled before. I was excited to know. He works in California, but I don't know. I was a little hesitant about it. But he seemed nice. He wanted to get some information about me, like my measurements and my height and weight and know things about my hair and junk... how embarrassing!. At first I know it was a cheap ass come on, but turns out this dude is GAY and has a man... Opps! He was serious about using me because he said I had an exotic face...? yeah I think that's what he said. It made my day. I spoke to him for a little yesterday, but I am still unsure about it. I know not model type, but he said it I was chosen it would be for next summers ummm... wardrobe or something like that. And I would be paid lovely, that is if I was picked. He said they would also provide me with a trainer which will help me get in shape by next year. I think I may want to seek into that. Just to see if he is for real and not spam. Other than that... I am enjoying my new friends and my old. This country guy that I am so enjoying getting to know. I am enjoying being single and finding myself being happy with myself and loving myself. I have never been this happy in months. I am smiling now because i deserve to. I am enjoying myself a lot more. I guess that's it for now. Hold up! Did I fail to meantion that I bought myself a vibrator. But that's another story. I need to learn how to use the damn thing lol.

Aug. 28th, 2011


I just can't wait to hate you a little more than what I do. You allowed me to go through unnecessary hurt which could have been avoided if you could have only told the truth. It's not like I couldn't handle the truth, I guess a lie was much more easier to tell. Claiming you wanted to be with me and feeding me all these lines how we will bw together was just a way to feel sorry about what happened between us. I never knew loving someone, could hurt this badly. But I am learning how to deal with my emotions and they will not be getting the best of me anymore. I just want to be done away with loving you. I am ready to move on and find someone who is worthy and deserving of my love and trust. And in turn, I will be worthy and deserving of his love and trust. I know I derserve better because that's what you told me. You are a jerk, at least that part you will admit. You haven't been there for me. At first, I thought it was sweet that you apologized to me. After all the pain I have been going through, you apologized and claimed you wanted to be with me. You told me that I "deserved to be treated with kindness, respect and love." And that I didn't sdeserve to be treated the way you treated me. Actually no one deserves to be treated the way you treated me. No smart girl in her right mind would let shit slide the way I let them slide with you. Never have I ever been such a pushover in all my life. It makes me feel sad that we couldn't make more out, but i will not dwell on what could have been. I know always remember the memory of the fun times we had together. I know you told me you wanted to be with me at the end of summer, but why should I have to wait for you to love me after summer? I shouldn't have to wait for love that I already had. I guess it was just another lie from you. I didn't realized that we didn't have much. All that you gave me was nothing. Makes me sad till this day that there was never going to be anything out of our relationship. It's time for me to say goodbye to you completely. I can't hold on to all this resentment towards you because it's not helping the situation. It's only making me worst. I decided to find someone who will treat me with all the worthy love he is willing to give me. I am back on the lonely highway on a quest to find the true love. I hope there is someone out there I am meant to be with. Goodbye Mike Vaicuinas... good luck in all your endevours. :)

Aug. 20th, 2011

I am happy.

I didn't think there would be an actual day that I can sit here and say/typeI  that I am actually happy. After everything that happened this summer I found a way to get over it and learn how to deal with how things are going to be and be happy with it. When I came home from vacation, I discovered that there wasn't a need for me to be depressed anymore. Although I didn't want to come back to New York because the weather is crappy and I just hate it now. I am happy to be happy. I have 2 great female friends and 2 great guy friends... no need to ask for more.

Jun. 18th, 2011

repunctuating my life

   Even though I am a strong woman, I know I haven't been living my life the way I wanted to. I would always allow the influence of others bring me to my decisions. I never really made decisions for myself. It might sound a little funny, but it's true. I let others influence who I associate with. I know, everyone has a falling out with people in some way, shape or form. But I think this goes beyond that. For years, I allowed what one person thought of me affect many aspects of my life. Thinking about it now, I don't really understand why I let that happen. I know, I could have been a better person and a better friend to some person/people. But I can't change back the hands of time. Only thing I can do is move forward and be a better person/friend to those I associate with now, those who I call friends.

I realized I am a bitchy girl. I have been real catty and quick to judge people without really knowing them. I feel bad for that. That was not the person I wanted to be. I honestly like everyone, until something they do to me or others makes me think twice about them. Another thing I wanted to address personal matters. I mean, everyone likes gossip. But as friends we should leave the gossip to people out of our inner circle. There were probably many things told to other people about me or other people. The thing is, if I didn't tell them... it means I didn't want them to know. I usually keep you know private things private. I don't tell everyone who I am dating or personal information. I just tell the people who I wanted to know. I really hated the fact that my or anyone's secret never really was a secret. 

Okay, so I know many things were said out of my mouth for the entertainment of others. But it was only entertainment/ joking around. I literally had to be someone I am not just to make others around me happy. Which I know it's not fair to the third party. For that I truly am sorry. I actually would never make fun of this person because I love this person so much. Like even though at the time I had a different best friend, I always left closer to you. I told you things I didn't tell even my best friend until years later. I always come to you because I know you are a person who always relate to them and put yourself in someone's situation rather than telling them what they SHOULD do. I am not blaming you for helping me become a judgmental asshole, but I am blaming myself for allowing someone like you to have that kind of control of my life and decision.

No I am not sorry that you decided not to be my friend anymore. I actually don't care. I would rather let someone else take my position as being your best friend. I feel a lot happier without you in my life. I know I will continue to be happy. I realized life is what you make it... so I am back in school now and I am excelling in it and I am in a loving relationship with a man I found all by myself (finally.) I will thank you for opening my eyes showing me the person you really are. I should have known who you really were the first time you showed me (you may not remember but I and others still do.) But silly me, I forgave without an appropriate apology. But nothing I can do now. You are finally out of my life and I feel a sense of release. I am happy with the people I surround myself with. And of course at times I get lonely, but I surround myself with people who genuinely care about me. It was never hard for me to make friends, but knowing how I was I wouldn't even want to be friends with me. But I am loving life and living day by day taking it back. I kind of did waste 6 years of my life trying to satisfy someone else.

So, I just want to add an apology to those I have hurt in the past and hopefully we can move on and work towards a better friendship. And to you I wish you nothing but the best. Just because we aren't friends doesn't mean I don't care about your well being. And I know I recently saw you in passing, I didn't say "Hi, how are you doing?" because I am not interested in knowing anything about your life anymore. Maybe in the future, I am not to sure how it will play out, but I know now I need to work on my life and relationship and mending friendships with those who I felt like I hurt the most. But I know I will not be the person to initiate anything... because as I can remember you stopped being my friend and I know it sounds a little petty, but you know that's life. Out with the  old and in with the new.

" A friend should be one in whose understanding and virtue we can equally confide, and whose opinion we can value at once for its justness and its sincerity."  -Robert Hall

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